I didn't think that my post about 2016 would be true.
When I went to Korea this winter, I went with a doubt. My father was sick at that time, he was still in hospital. It felt really wrong to left him. But he told me to go. We planned this trip a long time ago and he wanted me to see his hometown. So I went.
About 2 weeks later, my aunt told me that my father talked in his sleep calling my name. I didn't know why. I was sad that I couldn't be there by his side. At that time, his condition was not that bad. I video called my mom and I could still talk my father, we even joked a bit. But since then, his condition was not getting any better.
I still remember that day clearly. The night before, I went to dinner with my father's family. They are so kind to me and I was so happy. My heart felt warm. I found a new family that night. What an irony, I know.
The next day, 31st January 2016, I went to Itaewon with my 오빠. I asked him to accompany me to Itaewon because there's a mosque there. I want to pray there so I went to the mosque. It wasn't the time to do prayer because it was around 10 a.m. I then decided to do Dhuha prayer and pray for my father. That time I prayed to Allah to make my father's condition better. It's really sad to see him sick like that. Then some thoughts went through my mind. I thought that it must be really painful for him to hold those pain all this time. Then I prayed.... I don't know but, if this is the time for my father, I will be sincere. If this is the best for him, It's okay with me. I don't want my father to feel pain. But please, I just want to see him one more time. Please, hang in there, Pa. I'll be home tomorrow.
That's right. I changed my ticket to go back to Indonesia a week earlier than the initial plan. But I guess, I didn't come back soon enough..
Because after that, after I had done praying, I went for a walk around the neighbourhood for a while and stopped in a kebab shop. We ordered and sat. While waiting for our kebab to be served, my 오빠 got a phone call. He frowned. I knew something bad happened. I just didn't expect that it would be about dad.
I regret I didn't come back sooner.
I realised, that time when I prayed at Itaewon, I let him go. And just after that, he really left. He gone for good. I kind of regret it. I think maybe I shouldn't let him go at that time so maybe he would still be alive right now.
Then I remind myself,
you can't change fate, stupid.
I should let him go. It's his time to leave. It's the best for him. He had suffer a lot of pain due to his sickness all this time, so I believe he is now in peace. He is happy now. And I should be happy for him too.
Every time I miss him and I realised I can't see him ever again, my tears began to welling up in my eyes. But I held back. I told myself that if my father could see me now, I don't want him to see me cry. He always want to see me happy, so I want him to see me happy. I will be happy for him, I will work hard, and I will make him and my mother proud.
So don't worry, Pa.
You were a good father.
I will always pray for you and I will remember all the things you said and all the good times.
I know I rarely say I love you to you, but I hope you know that I really really really love you.
I hope you're smiling now.
And I miss you so much.
Come to my dream tonight, yeah?