Sunday, May 6, 2018

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I don't know if it's normal, but I often feel like a monster. Destructive monster. Cold-blooded. Love-less. Or to sum it up; a complete mess. I honestly feel sorry for everyone around me. What sin did they make to have their path crossed with mine--a selfish beast that will only bring them misery? I'm actually amazed by how much love a person can give to me and I am so angry at myself that I can't give them a single love back. Well, actually two things. First, This monster doesn't have any love to give. Her heart is the coldest place world has ever seen--not because she never knew love, it's just because she is, simply, loveless. She can't even say love without trembling. Second, this monster doesn't know how to respond to love. I don't know how to love. When people start showing their love and kindness towards me, I start to act cold and take them for granted. I will show them my angsty behaviour and I will reveal the true demon inside me. And I blame all that to that one fucking excuse I always tell everyone about; personal space. I demand them to give me a lot of space and I don't even bother to think about their feelings. I am a heartless and coldest witch with a messed up mind. And I hate myself for that. I'm not worth to receive their love. In fact, I'm not worth any greatness in this world. I thought I'll get better as I grew older, but no. I thought I'll understand love better as I grew older, but no. I only get faker. I trained my smile all my life to hide my ugly heart and love is still a bizarre concept I can't ever fathom. So I warn you and I beg you. Please stop giving me your love because I know I will blame myself for that. And I'm sorry you get to know me. I'm sorry that our path crossed. I'm sorry I can't be a warm person. I want to be warm. Damn it I want to be warm like sunset in the summer sky but man I hate summer. But for real, I want to be warm. I just don't know how. I don't even know if I can.

Oh God, You are the Greatest and the Kindest,
please forgive me.
And please help me forgive myself.

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